Chewing Stones?
There are certainly days, I do feel like having missed that ONE moment, when things have started to run towards an another direction than expected, beyond my control.
These days do hold very important learnings, which can bring me to a new level of attitude and self-reflection – moments where the buck stops literally. For me.
"Ute, if everything goes well all the time, there might be something wrong."
Although I tend to quickly accept and grapple with my mentor's view, I often understand the full range of advice only much later.
What was that?! Didn't everything progress as I wanted and well? Wasn't I giving my utmost? Haven't there been so many milestones completed?! So many beautiful and lifting moments?
"Ute, I am wasting my time on you."
"Ute, I am sorry that I kept you as an alternative (...)" A waste of time, never been a true option, but just an alternative... I feel six feet under and heavy on my heart. Heart over head. I do not like that. I am caught in emotional confusion of being rated rationally by very reflected and knowledgeable persons close to my heart. Why is it so?
Awards, rewards, compliments for what and how I do things truly outnumber the little times of criticism. And there are so many, many things to be extremely proud of. So why does the above cut to the quick though?
Respect and recognition arise for what me as part of my team has achieved and how our work positively impacts the lives of people we care about. It is appreciation for the whole story. On the other side, however, harsh words personally affect my own story only, me and me alone.
What doesn't kill you makes you strong? I don't believe it is that simple. One has to face the ugly and deal with it at its roots. To rise after bad times means to challenge your own self, to change your personal attitude and how you do react once suffering defeat.
“When I fall off my bike, I better get on it again quickly and start anew. Same, when I have a setback, I need to rethink and retry.” Weren´t those my very own words just recently? I am a person of action, resilience, responsibility, decision, happiness and faith.
So, I try to find the positive aspects of people´s concern about me: Maybe it is less me wasting the others’ precious time, but them feeling running out of time themselves. How can I be of help to them? If I am an alternative and not the first choice, it shows at least I have been on their radars. What is that missing piece of confidence in me they need?
Be passionate about what you do! But to stay the course, you probably need to disconnect your emotions from what you perceive is your inner calling. Interact with all and everything around you. You hold the key.
Compared to riding a bike: It is not the refreshing downhill ride that keeps me going, but trying to climb a hill I fear not being able to – that ONE moment in time.
I don´t believe it is just a “woman thing” to feel high and dry, confused, blamed in such situations of unexpected criticism and truth, but more a general question. It's a huge challenge I am ready to take it up with. And you should, too. It´s worth the journey.
Warm regards, Ute
feMENeity@MightyMuse©